The day begins when I woke up into the darkness.
Nothingness swallows me whole. I struggle up only to be pushed farther down.
The world for me ends. As I have no chance of getting out. What must I do? No one knows.
My only chance of keeping sanity?
I answer you this question with writing.
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Canary word: Present
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First of all--you change tenses even in the first line. This is a very elementary mistake that immediately classifies you as the worst sort of amateur poet in the experienced reader's mind. Just checking to be sure that all of your tenses are in line--or, if you are changing tenses, that there's a good reason for it and the reader can tell--will help you immensely.
Second: The caesura in the second line doesn't work because: a) the line is too long, and b) it has absolutely NO flow whatsoever. Pay attention to how the words sound. Read your poem out loud and listen to it. Does it sound awkward? Then it'll sound doubly awkward to someone who's never read it before.
Third: *wince* What did caesura ever do to you? Stop torturing it. The second sentence is also an (ineffective) fragment.
Fourth: ...What? That seemed to have come out of nowhere.
The main problems in this poem (and ways to fix them) are as follows:
1) Continuity. You have no real continuation of any theme or idea, and it's far too short to develop it properly in the style you've adopted. Try lengthening your poem, and really thinking about the concept you're trying to express before writing.
2) Language. Your language here is bland to an extreme. There's not a single word here that catches my eye as vibrant, vivid, or particularly expressive.
3) This is what we like to call "emo-poetry." And no, that is not a compliment. Try emotion with dignity next time, instead of this "oh-woe-is-me-my-life-sucks" mentality. It'll create a much more effective poem.
And, as Brad has left YWS and it's far too appropriate a phrase to lose, I'll adopt it:
Scrap this.
Better luck next time.
None of you are really offering her any help. Yes it needs fleshing out a bit but how so?
Your idea is blurry at best. It is dificult to understand what is happening. More detail as to the main idea of the poem would be helpful.
Chances are, if you don't know what it is and you just wrote it, you'd have better luck getting critiques and comments if you fleshed it out a little more before posting.
You have a good start, but what you have here is a stanza of poetic prose - I can't really help you with anything else until you give us some more to critique. Sorry.
This isn't really poetry and you have a tense switch in the first line. It should be when I wake... Other than that, there isn't really much to critique. Order your thoughts, extend this and then add some imagery and poetic techniques. Good luck with this,
Heather xx
kk.No big deal I was bored during math and had two minutes to write something.
O.O
I wouldn't classify this as poetry!
Rather disappointing. It's too short to even give a critique.
Please add to it, or something, and put it in stanza form.
Best of luck on your next one,
Pros